One for the Ladies

Sometimes advertisers just get it.

Enjoy.

d.r.t.

What do Augustine, Pirates, and Seductive Body Wash Have in Common?

Last night was a particularly exciting Friday night for me.

First, I went and played soccer. Then, I came home to make myself some dinner, and went out to buy some beer. I was feeling adventuresome so the plan was to buy beer that I was unfamiliar with–which is easy enough. In looking around, I came across two Belgian beers, and it was mostly the labeling and names that sold me.

The first beer was Piraat which Wikipedia tells me doesn’t mean what I thought it meant. Of course I have a thing for pirates. If I’d been born in a different time, I’d like to think that I could have been a Drake, Black Beard, or Sparrow. I suppose, of course, I could move to Somalia or the Straight of Malacca, and take up modern day pirating, but I get the sense that sea-pirating is an industry in decline. Today, you’d be out of your mind to take up whaling as a viable career option–even if your name is Ahab, and you can throw a harpoon clear around the world. It simply isn’t wise to pursue a career in a dying field. It is tragic that pirating is a relic of the past. Imminent death and ethical quandaries aside, what could be better? Sail and stab by day, sleep and swashbuckle by night.

Anyways, Wikipedia tells me that “Piraat” is really the Belgian word for “devil”–which makes me feel a little hoodwinked. Who doesn’t think of a pirate when your beer’s name is ‘Piraat’, and you’ve got a giant ship on the front of the bottle? Also–it’s been brewed since 1784. Which, if I know my history, is prime pirating time. When I was in the liquor store, I may have imagined a group of pirates just getting off their shift, hitting the local pub for the drink bearing their name. Sort of like how Foster’s is Australian for beer.

I don’t want to tell you all the secrets of the male psyche, but todays blog is probably hinting at a few clues as to what is wrong with my psyche. Men are just a broader generalization of me. Pirating can be exchanged for: a spy, a super-hero, a G. I. Joe, an epic explorer, or a king.

The second beer, the one I actually drank, was called “Augustijn.” Which I assumed was the eastern orthodox spelling of Augustine. Turns out that’s not right either–unless you, like me, count Belgium as part of the eastern orthodox church. My purchase of this beer was really contingent on some things that I’d read about Augustine. I’ve been reading The History of Christianity and the author says “Augustine… has become the most influential theologian in the entire Western church, both Protestant and Catholic.” The Author of The History of Christian Thought puts it a little stronger: “His influence over Western thought–religious and otherwise–is total; he remains inescapable even over 15 centuries after his death.”

The thought was, I’ll drink what he drank. I mean, even if the quotes above are only half right–Augustine is kind of a big deal. Furthermore, he was born in 354, and the beer has been brewed since 1295–so the company really lucked out in finding his personal beer recipe after it was lost for all those years. I’ll just say it once; divine intervention.

In the liquor store I may have envisioned me and “the Hippo” kicking back with some brews. In the vision, I may have been teasing him about that whole pear stealing incident.

Generally then, it was the catchy name that caused my purchase. Which might just be a general principle that holds for most of my purchases. While I was out, I also purchased six bottles of body wash. Six because it was a great Air-miles deal. 80 Air-miles for every 3 purchased.

Some people might remember when it wasn’t okay for men to use fragrant body washes–or body washes at all. A time did exist when soap was the only male option–’needing’ shampoo was even a little girly. A real man rubbed the bar on his scalp–if he washed his hair at all. But now, thanks to the people at Axe & Old Spice, capitalism has toppled another equality barrier and male body washes are widely acceptable. Between the sexy women, funny commercials, and names like: Game Day, Smooth Blast, Live Wire, Show Time, and After Hours–who wouldn’t want to wash with these products? The only way the product could be more appealing is if they had tanks and heavy machinery on the labels, or if NASCAR drivers signed them.

Now, if you’re a woman, I probably know what you’re thinking. It’s probably something like: “Dang, our secret is out. Giggle, giggle. Of course we (meaning sexy women) are uncontrollably drawn to men who wash with these products. And, giggle giggle, of course the smells are so intense that as ‘good’ girls we go ‘bad’–but really? Has capitalism really taken away an ‘equality barrier’? Are you maybe not using that term correctly?”

That is a good point. But, you shouldn’t get all emotional because ‘Live Wire’ doesn’t give you a chance. Part of the problem is in your genes. I read a study that concluded that what women find attractive is like 80% based on smell. Unsurprisingly, the other 20% is based on a complex formula balancing: how competitive you are when you play sports, how many bicep curls you can do, and how you look shirtless.

You’re just wired for sensuous experiences–don’t fight it.

d.r.t.